A while back a friend of mine mentioned a breakdown group at a conference called “How to Marry a Proverbs 31 Woman.” It made me laugh. I said I could teach the group with two sentences: “Become the kind of man a Proverbs 31 woman would want. Next, pursue her.” I think the participants would feel a little jipped, but whatever, it’s not like I’d get paid to talk at a conference.
I have had a mistrust of the Proverbs 31 woman ever since I got old enough to appreciate gender roles and expectations, especially with Christian women. She is held up as a role model, the mystical and unattainably high standard of what a woman should be. She comes across as an Old Testament Martha Stewart, intended to show us how things could be but making us feel bad and inadequate instead. Plus, she is called “The Wife of Noble Character,” and considering that I’m not yet one of those, it’s hard to determine what exactly she has to do with my life right now.
After the talk with the friend, I decided to take a closer look at this lady. I decided to read the verses instead of just skimming over them to see if this gal has anything to do with me. The following are my thoughts, without much in the way of deep theological musings:
“A wife of noble character who can find?”
- Noble sounds lame, but at some point in the past I wrote “valor, courage” above noble. That sounds a little better. I can get behind that. I know of many single women of great character, so initially this didn’t make sense. But then I thought of the women on reality TV and it seems like maybe the good ones really are hard to find.
“She brings him (her husband) good, not harm, all the days of her life.”
– Okay, so no nagging. No tearing the guy down. No making him feel like a failure. Seems good enough. I guess as a single lady, I can practice this with my friends and family.
“She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.”
– Does this mean clothes shopping? Because I can do that. Or craft time? Because I’m cool with that too. I would love to use that as an excuse for crocheting yet another hat: “I’M WORKING WITH EAGER HANDS!”
“She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.”
– Cool. I like some good foreign food.
“She gets up while it is still dark;”
– Excuse me what? Is this really necessary? I mean, I don’t want to be lazy, but I think I can sleep in when the occasion arises.
“she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.”
– I get that if a woman has a family, she should feed them and all. I’m not entirely sure how this applies to a single girl without even pets as a dependant (although I do have a plant). Maybe it means that she takes care of those over whom she has an influence. Maybe I could feed my loved ones love. Okay, that sounds corny, moving on.
“She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.”
– This part makes the Proverbs 31 woman look like she is single: she has a job where she earns money, and she is making big purchases and investing it WITHOUT ASKING ANYONE. I like her. She is a working woman, and she is savvy enough to make big financial decisions on her own. The point is probably that she is trustworthy and shrewd with her money, and not the financial independence stuff, but still. She is looking a lot different than the stereotypical Christian wife.
“She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.”
– So if she’s getting up early and staying up late, when does she sleep? I’ve always wondered that. Maybe the point of discussing her sleeping habits is that she isn't lazy and she doesn’t waste time. I am guilty of that way more than I’d like to admit.
“In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.”
– Awesome. I can do that. But maybe mine would involve yarn and a crochet hook.
“She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.”
– Social justice. She does not sit around and let things that don’t directly affect her happen. She helps people. She is involved. She cares. I like this.
“When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.”
– I think this can be taken as being prepared for inevitable problems. Like, when my car breaks down, I’m not worried because I set aside money for such emergencies. That can be applied to anyone at any time. Even people who don’t look good in red.
“She makes coverings for her bed;”
– CRAFTS! DON’T QUESTION CROCHETING!
“. . . she is clothed in fine linen and purple.”
– She dresses nice. She looks hot and has nice clothes. To achieve this, she needs to purchase said fine clothes. Shopping. Okay cool.
“Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”
– Although this doesn’t directly apply to me as a single lady, I guess it can mean don’t date someone people don’t respect.
“She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.”
– She has a business. She is working and making money. She is busy and productive and HAS A JOB. I’m not getting my master’s degree for my health, believe me. I want to work, and this Proverbs 31 woman is doing just that.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.”
– There are so few women about whom this can be accurately said. We women tend to worry and do things that make us look foolish out of our worry and insecurities. I want to be clothed in strength and dignity. I want to look to the future and smile, knowing that God has everything under control. Maybe one day.
“She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”
– Women like this are priceless.
“She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
– You don’t have to be married to have a household. This is something I can do now. And that bread of idleness part. . . ouch.
“Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:”
– I guess for the single ladies, this can be our friends, family, and coworkers.
“‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.’”
– I like this praise. It isn’t about her looks. It isn’t about her cooking and housekeeping skills. The definition of noble is “possessing outstanding qualities.” And remember the words I had written by noble character in the beginning: valor, courage. This woman is more courageous and has more outstanding qualities than all other women.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”
– I spend way more time thinking about how I look than about my character. I spend too much time in idleness and not enough time caring for people and for the areas in my domain.
I suppose with the outstanding character that the Proverbs 31 woman has achieved, she wouldn’t rub my face in my failings. She’d probably help me up, dust off the butt of my pants where I’d so resolutely plopped, point me in the right direction, and give me a friendly push. Maybe I don’t resent her any more. Maybe I want to be her friend. Maybe one day, I’d like to be her.
Here is an interesting blog entry about the Proverbs 31 woman and her virtues. I recommend reading it: http://evangelicaloutpost.com/archives/2008/06/dont-marry-a-proverbs-31-woman-2.html
My conclusion is this: I have misjudged the Proverbs 31 woman, but I am not alone in this. I don’t know that men realize what sort of woman she is. I think my breakdown group would list some of this woman’s qualities: strength, wisdom, grace, independence, and general awesomeness, among others. I would ask them if this is really the kind of woman they want, because it would take a man with qualities equal to hers to truly be secure with such a woman.
And as a woman, I don’t think she is an impossible standard any more. I think she is a difficult woman to become, but to be like her would be worth the effort. So these are my thoughts. Take them for what they are worth.
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